I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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