his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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