I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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