my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize