I wanna bring you to show and tell
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
