her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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