MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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