I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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