sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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