I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge my taste in strippers
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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