why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
