dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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