Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
