did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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