Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
