allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I am one with the molecules
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
