She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
