Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
