if i can run in heels then i can drive
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
