I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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