Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
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you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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