how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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