Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
