If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
