Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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