Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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