His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize