Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
