I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
