watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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