im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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