The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
