Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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