We're like a lot better than the average bears
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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