A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am available for nakedness
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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