I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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