Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
