May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
