Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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