Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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