I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
