Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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