Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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