you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
