I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
