its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
