you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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