I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
