I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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