Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
