I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
