Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
