I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
