I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
