I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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