Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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