Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
